Talking Animals

Saddle Up, 'Mo's!

Grab yer lariats, cowgirls and boys, it's time for the Gay News Roundup...herdin' together What is Strange From On the Range.

1 : Walk This Waaaaaay...
Interesting news came out today (get it? "Came Out"? HAH. I kill me. Or you do.) It provides yet another bit of scientific proof supporting the "nature" side of the "nature vs. nurture" argument. It seems that the lead singer from the Spin Doctors (masquerading as David Sylva, a grad student from Northwestern University) released the results of a study examining the walking patterns of gay/straight men/women. In his study, he strapped red lights on to his subject's bodies and then videotaped them walking in the dark. He then showed the results to survey participants (who won't be affected by clothing or hairstyles since they can only see the lights moving) and then quizzed them on the sexual orientation of each walker.

Got to give a tip of my hat (which of course matches my shoes) to the fine folks at CNN for being smart enough to post some of his video footage so that we can put our ability to spot fellow travelers to the test. Fire up your gaydar and let's play...Spot The Gay! The links are in the story here (but you get no credit for spotting the one using jazz hands.)

2 : I will NOT make any jokes about "cockpits" or "foxholes"
Of course, I have to point out (again) the surreality of the prior blog entry concerning the revelation that the Ohio Air Force lab proposed developing a bomb that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soldiers to "become gay." The supposition was that this chemical-induced development of gaiety would cause the "enemy soldiers to become irresistibly attractive to one another" and the resulting lust-fest would cause the "units to break down." (Ouch!) We have no comments on rumors that, while the DoD denied funding, every gay man in America has signed up to be part of the field trials.

3 : God? Like, Totally Hates You?
No, really. I was at this party on Sunday and OMG, he was like totally BAGGING on U.

He was with the cherubim? And was all like how he just pretended 2 listen when U prayed and stuff. I was gonna be all "Oh No You Didn't" when I totally heard him say that he hated EVERYBODY. Like THE WHOLE WORLD. And he's like been storing up all of this rage and can't wait to see us burning in hell 4ever. Maybe he was drunk or something but I like totally got out of there...

This is the gist of the uplifting message brought to you by the kind, loving people at the Westboro Baptist Church (located in Kansas - thanks, Petey). You remember them...the family, who, led by their grandfather Fred Phelps, picketed the funerals of people who died of AIDS? You remember...back when AIDS was something the news covered (you know, in that short span of time immediately after the news not covering it and immediately before the news not covering it again?) we would see footage of them chanting and waving signs like "GOD HATES FAGS" and "FAGS DIE, GOD LAUGHS" and even, bizarrely enough, "FAG SANTA." (Come on, don't even act surprised. His name is Kris Kringle. And he wears that fabulous fur suit and boots year 'round...who is in denial here, sister? You're just wanting to get onto his naughty list.)

Well, the Phelpers are still around, still doing the voodoo that they do so well that you want to kill them. And just in case you felt their prior expression of their message was in some way unclear, they're giving it to you in a musical format. (Cuz you know gay men can't resist a musical...and there is nothing like some hate to get the toe a-tappin'.)  Ready? A five, a six, a five-six-seven-hate..."

Sigh. This entry started out intending to be full of mockity goodness...but the more I read about this the more I got depressed. On page after page, it became clear that wherever there has been human suffering (Katrina, 9/11, the funerals of US soldiers) in the US, they have gathered, taunting the bereaved with the news that their mad dog God couldn't be more delighted at their pain. Scheisse. My trusty palomino and I are gonna go hide under the bed. C'mon, horsey.

While I'm away, here is something to cheer you up. Who can be sad in the face of this?

Jet. Boots. Jet. Boots. Jet. Boots. JETBOOTSJETBOOTSJETBOOTS

Would I lie to you?
Hmm.
Point taken.
But would I lie to you about this? (And damn you Stark for putting my repulsor ray gloves on back-order.)

In a hurry? Skip to about 2:15 in to the clip.

Too geeky for you? Totally my bad.

Incredulity in 6 easy steps!

1 : Check the calender.
2 : Note that it is NOT April 1st.
3 : Pour yourself a drink.
4 : Sit down.

5 : Read this, an actual quote about an actual Department of Defense research project proposed in 1994 :

"The Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb be developed that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soldiers to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistibly attractive to one another," Hammond said after reviewing the documents."

6 : Click for more.

Truly "Special" Olympics

As a designer, you always want your work to inspire some kind of reaction. But convulsions? Not so much.

(Thanks to PNN - the Petey News Network - for this story.)

LONDON (AP) _ An animated display of London's jigsaw-style 2012 Olympics logo, which has drawn an unfavorable public response, was removed from an official Web site Tuesday following concern it
could trigger epileptic seizures.
   Epilepsy Action, a British health charity, said 10 people had complained about the animation and some had suffered seizures from watching images depicting a diver plunging into a pool.

The ex-agency vet in me is not sure where to aim the Hose of Sympathy on this one:
1 : At the poor people who underwent convulsions after viewing it.

2 : At the poor benighted project representative quoted in the story who actually believed that by using a "graffiti-style design" it would "draw the attention of young people." It isn't and it won't.

3 : At the poor client, who within hours of proudly debuting this piece, found it publicly ridiculed from all sides and the target of a vigorous recall campaign.

4 : At the poor client's boss, who had to defend the unexpectedly public decision to spend almost $800,000 dollars on this.

5 : And finally, at the poor agency b*stard who had to answer the phone this morning.

Perspective Check

No matter how bad it gets for you today....just keep saying to yourself : "Well, at least I'm not submerged in
fish feces."

NPR Newsflash

Heard this last week (what, I have nothing to do but update this blog for your reading pleasure? Well. You're right. But how unkind to point it out.)

Where was I before I rudely interrupted myself on your behalf?

Oh yes.

Here was me, driving to scoop up WGP™ and I heard our local NPR station broadcast a follow-up story to Seattle's devastating December flood.

It turns out the government spent $250,000 to convene a blue-ribbon committee (like they couldn't afford  better beer than that?) which concluded that the reason for the flooding was ... wait for it...wait for it...there was too much water. The report went on to say that the committee will be reexamining these findings tonight...this time with Heineken.

Where are we going? And what are we doing in this hand-basket?

This just in from the "This is what it must've been like to be around during the decline of the Roman Empire" Department...

In short :
A movie ad campaign has normally tolerant/1st Amendmenty artist-types up in arms. And by artists, I don't mean "I build bottlecap unicorns 'cuz they're purty" or "the hostile hues illustrate society's diaphanous cacophony..."

No, these are Hollywood types. You know what I'm talking about : soulless, godless, child-molesting, gay-recruiting, family-destroying, flag-burning, multi-hyphenated traitors-to-the-mareken-way.

You ask : what could have even these folks saying enough?

It's the campaign for the movie "Captivity", which features 4 shots, each "artfully" depicting the following :

One :
- Image : a crying woman with a gloved hand over her mouth
- Headline : CAPTURE (caps are theirs, by the way.)

Two :
- Image : same woman, now in a cage, a bloody hand reaching out from behind the bars
- Headline : CONFINEMENT

Three :
- Image : Now she is battered/bandaged and wearing some kind of mask (ala Saw) with blood-filled tubes coming out of her nose
- Headline : TORTURE

Four :
- Image : woman, now dead, lying on her back, with one of her breasts exposed.
- Headline : TERMINATION

This campaign was posted in NY & LA, on billboards, bus-stops and cabs. A grassroots movement has arisen, seeking to (select one)
a) arrest the film-makers!
b) burn all of the copies of the film!
c) outlaw the movie!

Nope, it's D, none of the above.

The grassrooters are just quietly asking for the MPAA to enforce their own rules - which the film-makers broke when they posted this campaign despite it having been rejected as inappropriate for general public viewing. This would result in the movie's rating being "withdrawn", thereby leaving the film without a rating (such as G, PG, etc.) An unrated film is a bit of a commercial pariah, unlikely to be carried by most commercial theatres or advertised in most media outlets. This would, theoretically, dramatically reduce the film's ability to make money, which would, theoretically, negatively impact the associated studio and production company, which would, theoretically, serve as a deterrent to others thinking about doing the same thing. Theoretically.

The film-maker's response :
1 : They apologized for an unspecified error in process that led to the campaign being put up.

Um, anyone who has ever EVER worked in advertising or marketing or corporate communications (I'm guilty on all three counts, your honor) knows : the idea of a major media campaign making it through the complex production process without receiving multiple explicit approvals is ludicrous.

2 : They swore to take the pieces down immediately.
As of yesterday (the story broke last week) they have not removed them all. (Not that it's an easy task - but people do jump when told to with sufficient vehemence.)

3 : They exploited the situation :
- They replaced the ads with a new one that featured a scrawled "Capitivity was here" and the site url
- On the site, they are using links to stories on the public outcry as their new marketing (which of course include explicit descriptions of the offending campaign.)

I find it all depressing and overwhelming : that the filmmakers would lie (and not well : venality deserves better representation); that they would exploit the situation to their own gain; and that we, as a society, would even be having this conversation.

It leaves me with the following :

Porn is fine.
Body hair, body excretions, girls on boys, boys on boys, girls on girls on boys on boys (where is Dr. Seuss when you need him?) - whatever floats your boat, tickles your pickle, etc. It is fine if you want to watch it, me and WGP™, after all, have our own favorite flavors. Someone will happily make a new sales bin for "splatter" and "torture." But don't make me have to watch your kink. Don't sh*t where I eat, please.

We are not fine. (And I know these two conflict.)
I was raised in a liberal bunker somewhere in the South and was steeped in the concepts of freedom of speech and pluralism (even the tricky stuff like matrix/matrices and focus/focii.) But for some reason this dustup ... (That's what it is : you know that this will blow over. You know that the MPAA will most likely not act. You know that people will go see it. You know the film will suck. You know that there will be a sequel. I do not kid myself about this.)

As I was saying, for some reason this has awoken in me a deep feeling that somehow, I should be doing, I don't know... something. (Surprisingly, I am finding it difficult to translate this feeling into any specific sort of action.) I have this feeling that we, as a people, (and I never ever use phrases like this, even in the privacy of my own home while watching reruns of The West Wing) have crossed a line somewhere and are headed for ... trouble.

I know that censorship is the slipperiest of slopes (well, next to having "just one more spoonful" of Ben & Jerry's Brownie Batter Ice Cream) and that "one man's tinder is another man's books", but damn.

I find it hard to believe that a country where we all immediately grok the terms tortureporn and splatterporn is "doing just fine, thank you." This same week found me reading the Entertainment Weekly story on the double-feature retro-exploitation flick Grindhouse (which I was planning on seeing.) It described how the MPAA had insisted they edit footage from one of the faux trailers due to its presentation of a "topless cheerleader being impaled on a knife while doing a split on a trampoline." Incredibly, the reporter went on to write "Believe it or not, it's even nastier than it sounds..." (And no, I'm not taking any bets as to just where that knife impales her. Or start the "why it was a her, not a him" conversation, valid as it may be.)

As previously confessed, I was a marketer, for all different kinds of organizations, big and small. The process for each basically worked the same : analyze your client's needs and objectives, analyze who their audiences are (demographically, behaviourally) and then create an approach that blends the needs of the advertiser with the needs of the audience in order to promote a desired effect/behaviour. This means, in essence, that you win your audience by giving them what they want. And that is the most disquieting thing : the ad agency didn't get it wrong.

Somewhere, somehow... this is what we want.

And I don't know what to do about that.

--------------

"Captivity" Ad Campaign 
Remove the Rating" Campaign
Official "Captivity" Site