Welcome back, Whedonistas! (And those of my friends who don't get my Joss obsession and just smile and back away slowly whenever I bring it up.)
As promised, here is the second installment of the Whonderful Whedon Wheekend. In this episode, we get to attend the exclusive red carpet event that was the Seattle Debut of Once More With Feeling : Buffy Sing-a-Long!
(If you haven't already, be sure to check out our thrilling Can't Stop The Serenity adventures in the action-packed Whedon Wheekend, Part I.)
Wheek Two : Once More With Feeling (aka OMWF)
As all of you may have heard, it was quite the event! Joss came. And Marti. And Jane. And Sarah Michelle. And, um. Okay. Pretty much not true. But there was a guy there that kind of looked like David Fury. Well, he had a mustard stain on his shirt anyway.
1 : OMWF. WTF!?
Firstly, I have to ask. Am I the only one that regularly trips over Once More With Feeling's OMWF acronym, parsing it as being related to WTF? "Oh My!" my brain dutifully mistranslates. "What (the) F*ck?!" Such a weird pairing. Like something a particularly prim longshoreman might exclaim. (Or Scarlett O'Hara might say if they remade GWTW. IDK.)
2 : Sorry About Not Calling You.
You don't know who you are. Weeks ago, we secretly bought you and your weird new boyfriend tickets to go with us to the show. And we really kept meaning to call and surprise you ...but we just got so busy. And then we forgot. And now we're really sorry. Really. (And nooo, we're not talking about you, local friend who has been wondering what we think of your new boyfriend. We're talking about some ...other...people you don't know. That we met at that one place? At that one time? Remember us telling you about it? Hmm. You don't? It must've been because of how WEIRD YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND WAS ACTING. Oops.)
Anyway, fear not : did we ever get our comeuppance. There we were, blithely thinking we'd gotten away with our unintentional diss, when, without looking, in classic Jossian fashion, it was "Leaf Upon the Wind" time. Which leads us to numeros tres :
3 : Weirdest. Pickup Line. Ever.
So we had these extra tickets. Aware of the Kharmic hit we were taking by forgetting to call those people- you-don't-know-trust-us-on-this, we figured that, rather than scalping the tix, (as some people were actually doing) we'd give them away to some needy whedonista. Unfortunately, BPE™ was too chicken to stand by the door and make booming public announcements. So there we were, discussing this as we waited at the ass-end of the block-long line.
Me : "We really ought to give these to somebody."
BPE™ (pecking at seeds on the sidewalk) : "Cluck. Cluck. Cluck. SQUAWK! Cluck-cluck."
Me : "It's sold out. There are people who would love to be able to get in."
BPE™ : "SQUAAAWK!" (egg plops onto sidewalk.)
Me : "What? You want that instead of Junior Mints?"
Then we spy this old guy, looking decrepitly dapper in a seedy blazer and chinos, who is sadly scanning the line. "Do you need a ticket?" BPE™ says. Luckily, he speaks Chicken and his eyes light up. "Wow," he slurs, wobbling a little. "Thash be great." Clearly his lack of ticket has led him to drink, poor man. "How mush ish it?" BPE™ waves off his offer of payment and hands him the ticket and turns back to the line.
Let the seduction begin!
<Cueing Barry White music>
Now...you remember that hot scene in Angel...you know, in the sex-fest that was Not Fade Away? Aw yeahhhh...you know what I'm talking about. Where Wesley is lying there (how hot is that?) and Allyria is holding him in her arms (uh huh) and she looks down at him and says : "Would you like me to lie to you now?" And Wesley says :"Yes. Thank you. Yes." Whew. Totally hot, right?
<sound of needle skidding across face of record>
Yes. That's what happens next. The guy sizes up BPE™..and suddenly realizes that her generosity was another way of saying "Take me, I'm yours, Anonymous Drunk Guy Without A Ticket!"
He sidles up to her and leans in (tilting dangerously.) He leers at her "Sho, you know that shene? The one in Angel?"
He nods, confidently watching her face, waiting for this salvo to have its surefire aphrodisiac affect.
BPE™ manages a pained smile.
He grins slyly. His voice staggers down half an octave. "You know the one I'm talking about... where Weshley is jusht lying there?" An eyebrow lifts.
BPE™ shakes her head, silently begging for help from her partner who Suddenly Has No Idea Who She Is.
He moves in for the kill. "And Fred is Lalleeria right, that blue chick?" He winks, knowing that she is his now. "So, he's there with her and he says 'will you lie to me now.' and she says 'Yesh.' Do you remember that?"
Having delivered the Coup De Grace, he waits for the disrobing to begin.
BPE™ stares at the ground, waiting for him to continue. "Yeah?" she prompts.
He blinks, stunned at her still being dressed. Finally, his look of disbelief sours into a soggy scowl. BPE™ makes it a point to Not Ever Look At Anyone Like Him Again and Hey Let's Start Right Now. Finally, he wanders off down the line, having decided that she must be a leshbian.
"What the hell was that?" BPE™ mutters to me. I don't trust myself to speak. Then, because I am big and brave and scared of no one, I slump down to take a peek through the people around me, and I see him about 30' away from us, having sidled up next to a woman standing in a little gap by herself. I strain to hear. "Sho," he says. "You know that shene? The one in Angel?"
4 : On Second Thought, Maybe You're Lucky We Forgot To Call You
So now what? What could the universe possibly have to offer that could top that? A stand-up comedian riffing on The Body? We waited...but evidently not. So of course we did what any regular person would've done... make up as many verse-specific "Lightbulb jokes" as we could. (God forbid the two of us stand there in companionable silence for 5 minutes.) Read on for the "Top" jokes in each category. ("Top," by the way, translates as "the only ones we can remember two weeks later.")
"TOP" FIVE FIREFLY JOKES
Q: How many Mals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : I dunno, but I reckon he's sure aimin' to change it.
Q : How many Jaynes?
A : Depends. What's in it for me?
Q : How many lightbulbs does it take to change a Jayne?
A : Gorram it! Jayne, are you drunk again?
Q : How many Shepherds does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : You know, Book, you sure know an awful lot about electricity for a Shepherd...
Q : How many Kaylees?
A : Burnt out already? That's what happens when you use the GE 1226 incandescent filament...
"TOP" TEN (errr 12) BUFFY JOKES
Q : How many slayers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : One girl, in all the world...
Q : How many Xanders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : None! That’s it, I’m DONE being everybody's bulb monkey!
Q : How many Sunnydale High students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : Sigh. Does anyone BESIDES Ms. Rosenberg know the answer? Anyone?
Q : How many Giles does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : Let me research th--- <gets hit on head, passes out.>
Q: How many Oz's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : One. (regards the joketeller blankly.)
A : One. I've given you my answer. If you need something else, then that's about you, not me.
Q : How many Cordys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : Figures that a loser like you would hang out in the dark.
Q : How many of the Gentlemen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : Frantically mouths an answer.
Q : How many Glorys does it take?
A : Wait. You're saying it's Ben who changed the lightbulb?
Q: How many Dawns does it take?
A : Nobody, probably. If it were BUFFY's lightbulb, everyone one would want to change it.
Q : How many Anya's does it take?
A : Depends. Can I trade the old one for cash?
Q : How many Andrews does it take?
A : Ooh! This is just like that light bulb from Episode III...
Q : How many Whedons does it take?
A : Just one - but millions of people will change it themselves and then donate the light to Equality Now.
"TOP" 5 ANGEL JOKES
Q : How many Angels does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : None. Brooding is easier in the dark.
Q : How many Doyles does it take?
A : Tree. (Don''t get it? Try saying it outloud, in your best "Mah nem is Liam" brogue.)
Q : How many Cordelias?
A : <grabbing head, screaming in agony> I see... Everything is dark...
Q : How many Wesleys?
A : Just one...if he is a Rogue Lightbulb Changer, who can (crash, the breaking of glass.) Oh dear.
Q : Do you know How Many Deathwok Clan Members It Takes to Change A Lightbulb?
A : I dunno, sweetie. How about you hum a few bars?
5 : Fame Takes You Weird Places.
He's an icon. Over the course of his career he interviewed 11 Presidents. Covered 4 Wars. Attended 22 Political Conventions. Reported on a Moon Landing. Wrote about 3 Assassinations. All in the course of a career spanning 2,000 Weeks of News.
Of course, I'm talking about David Brinkley.
At one point, he was right up there with Uncle Walter in terms of credibility and visibility in the TV news arena. He and Chet Huntley were co-anchors of NBC's nightly news in the '50s. And while this far predated my own newswatching, I was well aware of their pop culture legacy, of wishing each other good night at the end of every broadcast. (I was always sad, though, that focus groups scuttled the original plans of them wearing pajamas and then chastely tucking each other into bed.)
By the time I first saw him, he had been elevated to (very) elder statesman status, working as a color commentator, appearing between stories to deliver insightful and wryly humorous analysis...which happened less and less frequently as he got more and more elder.
When I first saw OMWF, I howled when I first heard Joss's masterful bravura touch of including him in Anya's "When I get so old and wrinkly/that I look like David Brinkley..."
I was even more delighted to see his image appearing onscreen as part of the pre-show video "screensaver"...and then kind of dumbfounded to realize that there is an entire generation of people who will know him only for OMWF. Good Night, David, Wherever You Are. I Think This Might Make You Laugh.
6 : Even Willard Scott Can Be Cool.
So we were a little lacking on the star power (given that a mustard stain was the most famous character I saw anyway) which is why I was excited to glimpse, over the heads of those taller than me, WILLARD EFFIN' SCOTT! I kid you not. The WILLARD. Attending our screening. I mean, I'm not a weatherman groupie (and always found his licking his lips over 100 year-old birthday girls a little skeevey) but hey, I'll take what I can get.
It turns out, however, that I didn't get Willard. Instead, I got Clinton McClung, the founder of the Sing-A-Long, who happened to be wearing a suit/vest/hat combo that from a great distance/blocked by hundreds of people looked like it might be from the Today Collection. Once I got an actual view of him, he looked nothing like the Willard - to the presumed relief of everyone. Mr. McClung (who actually looked a little like a Watcher, come to think of it) was a hoot (no "dude, that's my grandma" vibes at all.) He was very funny and took us through the bag of props (which include one of those 'champagne popper' thingies and a kazoo) and explained what to do during the show, which to the best of my twizzler-addled memory, boiled down to "have fun, sing as loud as you can, clap whenever you want and the northwest will be experiencing a low-pressure system over Spokane tomorrow.")
7 : Don't Cry, Joss, Don't Cry
As you might know, one of the Rocky Horror touches of OMWF is what happens whenever Dawn opens her COMPLETELY IRRITATING TEENAGE MOUTH AND sorry. Let me start again. Whenever Dawn starts to speak, everybody in the audience yells "Shut Up, Dawn!" Let me tell you : It is a blast to finally be able to do this in public, as opposed to alone in front of your tv set, scaring the cats.
Let me be clear : I'm not a Dawn-hater - but I did find the very accurate portrayal of an unhappy teenager a little too ... accurate ... sometimes. (Hell, when I was that age, I would regularly yell "Shut Up, Dawn!" at myself.) I think she is actually one of the best illustrations of one of Joss's unique gifts : to be able to create characters that, despite us perhaps not liking them at times, still inspire us to care about them as people. Never mind if they're a guy whose been dead for a century, or a girl annointed by fate (and some stuffy brits) to save the world (again), or a glowing portal of mystical energy : he makes them real. And he makes us care.
So I was like, totally? Bummed out? To read somewhere on Whedonesque (for those unfamiliar with it, think of it as the crack dealer feeding my Whedon addiction) that this might've hurt Joss's feelings, given that he created the character and a lot of the dialogue. Not wanting ever to cause Mr. Whedon any pain whatsoever (except perhaps the pain of knowing that "Ugh. Two more people who think I'm a genius. WHY LORD, WHY?") BPE™ and I came up with something that :
- is noisy
- is fun/silly
- doesn't require any special equipment
- specifically reflects something about her character
What do you think about this? Whenever she speaks - instead of shouting at her - we all jangle our keys as loudly as we can. (If yours are all glowy and mystical and stuff, all the better. Unless you're sitting next to a supermodel in a red dress or a confused looking medical resident, then you might want to keep them in your pocket.) Just a thought. And no more silly or improbable than blowing through a kazoo.
And if you don't get the "Dawn/The Key" reference, it means you're one of the aforementioned friends who don't get the Whonder that is Whedon. Fine, fine, back away slowly, I'm used to it by now. But rest assured, next year, you're going with me. And you will love it.
Unless you still have that weird boyfriend. Then all bets are off.
These Just In...
Thanks to the Whedonesque poster who pointed out our lack of SpikeBulb Jokes. Thanks also to those who've written in with ideers for 'em :
Q: How many Spikes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : I don't know but <singing> "It died...many years agooooo..."
A : Change it your bloody selves! I'm evil, remember? EEEEVIIIIL.
A : Oh now you want it changed, Buffy? I swear, the day you know what kind of lightbulb you want, there'll be a bloody parade.
Got Your Own "Top" 'Verse Lightbulb Jokes? Share the humor dearth, yo! Drop 'em in comments, below.